How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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