I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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