lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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