I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
