What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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