how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
