The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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