ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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