She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize