I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
