Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
