There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
