Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize