Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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