your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The uberlube is also flammable
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
