I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
