It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
