Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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