I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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