are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
