I just threw up on my dentist
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
