Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
