can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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