I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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