Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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