Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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