Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm getting married
To pizza
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
