You're so nebulous sometimes
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
