super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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