Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
