I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Found the puke drawer
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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