I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
