If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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