Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
