after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
