I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
