I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
