I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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