see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
