My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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