if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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