I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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