I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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