if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
