I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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