There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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