remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm always down for nudity.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
