she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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