I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
