oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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