Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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