I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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