I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
