apparently the secret to your success is patron
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
