there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
